It's been said, "Family: where life begins and love never ends." Reality does not always measure up, especially in conflicts over money and control. Family disputes often reveal uncomfortable truths, like:
Yet, as people age, control must shift. Decisions need to be made. When family members refuse to talk to each other, litigation becomes inevitable, leading to rifts that can last generations.
There is a better way.
Yes, having conversations about money and death is not pleasant or comfortable for most families. But not having those conversations can be costly and downright dangerous. It's almost like not preparing to evacuate while living amongst dry hills that regularly catch on fire. All it takes is a small spark. Life itself is that delicate. A medical emergency. A freak accident. In a moment, the family will never be the same.
Families with substantial wealth must be especially vigilant. Unscrupulous individuals wait for an opportunity to get into someone's head to fight for more. In probate, someone may submit a fake will to derail a well-established estate plan. Spouses and their families may have their own agendas.
Mediation offers each member a confidential space to share their concerns while also deciding how much is shared with others. Mediation can help the family explore issues they have avoided for decades. Mediation can transform the estate planning process into an opportunity to evolve and strengthen the family bonds, values and vision.
The seeds of family disputes are often planted decades earlier, usually well before the parties were born. Family disputes often track patterns people saw in their childhood or inherited from prior generations. An open dialogue within the family, under the guidance and leadership of a trained mediator, helps uncover hidden beliefs wreaking havoc in the family and create the understanding necessary to rebuild relationships.
In many cultures and families, it is better to be polite and respectful than to be open and honest about how one feels. We default to blaming others or focusing on how they hurt us, which invites defensiveness and counter-blaming. The better way is to share what we experienced, which opens the door to honest dialogue. Emotional wounds left to fester over decades make it difficult to have productive discussions in the present.
Family members often have short fuses with each other. Decades of hearing others say the same things will do that. Families simply go on with life, sweeping the "messy" issues under the rug. With enough money at stake, the "messy" issues are like blood in the water for the legal sharks. Family members talk to each other through lawyers. Don't let that happen to your family. Together, you can turn the tide and start rebuilding the family through productive dialogues that lead to understanding and cooperation
People often find themselves willing to stand up and fight against things they deem "unfair," especially within the family. After all, all parents are supposed to be fair, right? Not quite. Because each person is different, what one person considers fair may be patently unfair to another. We sidestep the fairness issue and help each party discover what they actually want. Parties end up making making better decisions that best serve themselves and each other.
Clients choose Dhiiraj because he brings a family-focused perspective that respects the dignity of each person, while also honoring truth, responsibility and accountability.
Can major conflicts be detected years before they ripen into legal disputes? Absolutely. Much like panning for gold, where the tiny nuggets hide in the rocks and dirt, we work with each person in the family to discover the nuggets of future conflicts and then facilitate group dialogue around those issues. The sooner the family goes through our process, the higher the chances that people will want to work towards a resolution that makes the family stronger.
Like cancer, not every conflict is dangerous. Those that are dangerous will keep growing until treated. Family conflicts are no different. The sooner they are caught, the more likely they can be addressed and resolved. Conflicts that linger for years or even decades may become like a stage 4 cancer for the family. Rebuilding becomes much more difficult. It’s our mission to prevent that from happening as much as we can.
Each of us thinks we know how to solve our family’s problems. If the others would simply listen to our advice and do what we say, the problems would go away. Yet, the problems remain. Why? Because people rarely understand the foundational conflicts driving the disagreements. We help families get to the root of their problems and help each person feel understood. Many incredible discoveries happen along the way. People who feel understood are less defensive and more open to understanding others.
Knowing all the facts would help estate planners create better trusts and help litigation attorneys more efficiently resolve family-related conflicts. Yet, the rules against conflicts of interests prevent attorneys from speaking with multiple family members to explore what each wants and what issues may be standing in the way. The next best solution, having each person hire their own counsel, is usually cost-prohibitive, unless the parties are already in litigation.
There is a better way. Our unique mediation services focus on creating understanding rather than the arm-twisting necessary to reach a settlement. Understanding can have profound impacts on a dispute. Once people realize where others are coming from, people tend to be more accommodating and compassionate with one another, which makes for better dispute resolution and win-win outcomes.
Dhiiraj did the impossible. He helped our family talk about some really difficult things. I was expecting our family to break into arguments and finger pointing once we touched on certain hot button topics. He assured me it would be okay. He was funny and wise. It’s like he used a different language to speak with each person. We all stayed calm and engaged. We are closer than we have ever been and have even started laughing with each other about who gets what.
Thank goodness we were referred to Dhiiraj. Ever since our mother died, we have been in and out of court. I never thought I would be involved in a lawsuit with my siblings. We had been to two mediations already. We left even more frustrated. I was highly doubtful that anyone could help us. I was even more skeptical about a mediator who didn’t settle cases, but he was exactly what we needed.
Dhiiraj took the time to talk to each one of us. He also helped us talk to each other. That was the most surprising of all. We were in one room, and we were talking to each other! It got heated at times, but he helped us through and kept everyone calm. We haven’t resolved all the differences yet, but we are much closer to settling our case and have started rebuilding our relationships. I cannot thank him enough for his help and wisdom.
When my parents decided to talk to us about their estate plan, no one realized how my brothers and sisters would react. We stopped talking to each other because someone would walk out or start yelling. My parents worked so hard to build up their wealth. They were terrified that if they didn’t do anything, their kids would end up fighting with one another in court. They were so sad. Dhiiraj helped us talk to one another in a way that we had never done before. We realized we were carrying a lot of resentment against each other that we had never shared. We shouted, of course, but we also cried, laughed and loved. Our family is forever grateful to Dhiiraj.
We transform conflicts into deeper connection through dialogue and understanding.
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